Music and Mental Health: World Mental Health Day
Today is World Mental Health Day and I wanted to take a moment to join together three thoughts around the music I have made and my mental health. I want to take a moment to do what today calls for: to talk about it.
For me, music and my mental health over the past few years have been inextricably linked.
In June 2014, I released the song 'Collide'. This song was written about the darkness I experienced when I was ill with Ulcerative Colitis. Only looking back afterwards could I see what a huge effect that illness had on me far beyond the physical symptoms. The fatigue that came along with my inescapable and intrusive symptoms demolished my confidence and made me withdraw from the world around me. Whilst my recovery, both physically and mentally is well progressed now, I still carry with me what that time felt like and the effects of it I still feel around me, even with the passing of time.
At the time, I wrote a blog post about the meaning behind the song. I never shared it. It still sits in my drafts folder. I was too afraid, too shy, to talk about it. Even now, listening to this song still makes me cry. Every time.
Perhaps I am being too hard on myself. Because, just like it has taken me over 2 years to finally open up and talk about the meaning behind this song, at the time, it had already taken months to build up the courage to write and record a song that held such a deep meaning for me. Each step has taken time, but has also been cathartic.
In September of this month, I released an EP under the moniker Invaleurs. At the time I wrote:
I have a confession.
For too long, the anxieties I experience around sharing my music online have kept me from creating things I love. But when I set out writing these songs, I made them just for me.
With that freedom, I could explore more freely, able to push beyond the boundaries of my own comfort zone, to create songs I am proud of. And so, I am sharing them with you.
If you enjoy them, if you share them too, then I feel honoured to know that these songs have found new connections beyond the ones I hold with them. If you don't, that's fine too. I've already done what I set out to do.
Being so honest felt scary. But following the release, I had many people share with me how my experiences resonated with theirs. The response I got back is what has given me the confidence to share this blog post now.
This brings me to the third and final thing I wanted to share.
Immediately after releasing the Invaleurs EP, on the spur of the moment, I took my camera and, as I blogged at the time, escaped to Lepe to find some time and space to clear my head. That trip kick started a process that has led to finding myself writing this blog, starting a new Instagram and creating short films and soundtracks that have become one of the most liberating and enjoyable creative processes I have ever been part of.
This process has been quite the opposite experience of releasing songs, EPs and albums. As I blogged just this weekend:
There is something mindful about heading out in to an unknown space and creating my own space within in: through the camera lens and through channeling my focus from the world around me in to the music I compose.
Music and mental health will always be inextricably linked for me. Finding a way to make and release music that is good for my mental health has given me a huge creative boost.
Talking about mental health is scary.
Talking about mental health is important.
Talking about mental health is liberating.
Summer Shorts: Compilation
As the year turns to Autumn, it felt right to bring together the short Instagram films from the Summer Shorts series.
Over the summer I set myself a challenge: find a location, compose a piece of music and create an accompanying short film.
These 11 short films and their accompanying compositions represent a body of work created during the summer of 2016.
Music was all composed using the app Auxy (www.auxy.co) and films were shot on a Nikon D5100 with a Nikon 50mm f1.8 FX Lens.
Summer Shorts 11: Mansbridge, Southampton
Continuing the summer shorts series, I set myself a challenge: find a location, compose a piece of music and create an accompanying short film.
With the weather so clear, and the sun so bright, I was unable to resist another afternoon out filming and making music. With the need for new houseplants, after a trip to the local garden centre, the nearby Mansbridge made perfect sense.
I drive past Mansbridge all the time, but the last time I remember visiting was for a school Geography trip: we had to draw the old bridge and the new bridge which sit next to each other across the river Itchen. On returning today, the contrast of the two bridges was striking: the side with the new bridge was bustling with life — families playing and kids paddling in the river — whilst, as soon as you crossed over the old bridge, the peaceful calm was striking.
Summer Shorts 10: Netley Abbey, Southampton
Continuing the summer shorts series, I set myself a challenge: find a location, compose a piece of music and create an accompanying short film.
Whilst making the summer shorts series in August, I got to Netley Abbey just as it was closing, but promised myself to come back and try again soon. Today, just as the rain started to break after a wet autumnal morning, I drove back over to Netley and to the Abbey.
As the weather started to clear, the Abbey was empty when I arrived. With the sun working hard to break through the fast moving cloud, I was joined by a newly married couple and their wedding photographers.
With the peaceful calm of the empty abbey and the stillness of the ancient structure, it was only the changing light across the old stone that brought movement to the film. The song started as old hymnal chords which, when changed to a major key, let the melodies reveal themselves over the top.
Summer Shorts 09: Meon Shore, Titchfield
This week, I set myself a challenge: find a location, compose a piece of music and create an accompanying short film.
I wanted to go somewhere this evening to see the sunset, and so I drove east to find west-facing coastline at Titchfield.
I arrived just in time to park along the sea front, find a spot on the beach, and, with my camera set up, open up Auxy on my phone and start to compose.
In some ways, I saw the sunset twice this evening: once looking over Titchfield Haven Nature Reserve, and again from down on the beach. The sky lit up in yellow the first time, and in shades of pink and orange as the sun set over the sea.
Summer Shorts 08: Manor Farm, Botley
This week, I set myself a challenge: find a location, compose a piece of music and create an accompanying short film.
A walk through Manor Farm this afternoon led me down to Manor Farm Pontoon on the Hamble river. With the sun breaking through after a cloudy afternoon, it was surprisingly quiet down by the water.
Sat on the pontoon, I put my headphones in, opened up Auxy once more and started to write again. Composing using the same app over the past week, I've started to really get to grips with the way it works, and developing a workflow that helps me get the most out of it. I'd love to see new sounds at some point, but equally, the limited choices available has made me be more decisive and get down to working on the musical ideas.
Summer Shorts 07: Mayflower Park, Southampton
This week, I set myself a challenge: find a location, compose a piece of music and create an accompanying short film.
Finishing work at 8.30 tonight meant that if I was going to catch the last of any light, it had to be close by, and Mayflower park seemed the obvious choice. Arriving to find the horizon dyed yellow and orange with the last of the dusk sun, and the industrial lights flickering on the docks, I made two friends who showed me where to climb the fence to get the best views.
As my new friends listened to Kanye West out a phone speaker — who am I to judge? after all, I mixed one of my songs on my iPhone speaker this week! — I put my headphones in and started to play with melodies and sounds.
Summer Shorts 06: Mount Lake, Lymington
This week, I set myself a challenge: find a location, compose a piece of music and create an accompanying short film.
Having spent far too long filming and writing down on Keyhaven Beach, it was becoming clear that I wouldn't make it as far as the castle before sunset, and I certainly wouldn't make it back before dark. As I carried on walking down the coast — the Isle of Wight to my right, Mount Lake on my left and the sunset behind me — the noise of day visitors was replaced with a peaceful calm.
After a couple of misfires — it's a good thing, I think, to write and throw things away — I finally settled on a melody that captured the feeling of quiet stillness that I found sat watching the sunset, sheltered by the pebbly dunes.
As if it were not already clear enough that I wouldn't make it all the way to the castle, it started to rain. The glass-like reflections of the clouds in Mount Lake becoming broken by the splashes of rain and the ripples that spread across the clear surface. With my t-shirt over my camera, it was time to head back to the car and drive back home through the forest.
GEAR:
MUSIC:
Not wanting to carry my big headphones with me on the long walk today, I decided to try writing on my Apple EarPods. Judging the bass was easier than on the iPhone speaker, but still needed some tweaking back on the car speakers later.
FILM:
Summer Shorts 05: Keyhaven, Lymington
This week, I set myself a challenge: find a location, compose a piece of music and create an accompanying short film.
I set out this afternoon with the aim of reaching Hurst Castle just before sunset. After a drive through the new forest, I arrived at Keyhaven to walk along the shore front, down to the castle. After a cloudy afternoon, at 5pm, the sky was clear and the sun was bright. Stood on the edge of Keyhaven Lake I started to write my first piece of music.
As I stood, headphones in — just the Apple EarPods this time — I was absorbed in to writing in a major key again. Walking along the water's edge, I carried on writing, as time quickly moved on.
GEAR:
MUSIC:
Not wanting to carry my big headphones with me on the long walk today, I decided to try writing on my Apple EarPods. Judging the bass was easier than on the iPhone speaker, but still needed some tweaking back on the car speakers later.
FILM:
Summer Shorts 04: Warsash, Southampton
This week, I set myself a challenge: find a location, compose a piece of music and create an accompanying short film.
This evening I set off to walk along the Hamble at Warsash. With views of marina's to one side, and coastal pools and marsh land the other side, the path leads along the edge of the Hamble river, past the ferry stop and up towards Holly Hill.
There was always going to be one time this week when I would be caught in the rain — this is the British summer after all — and tonight there was a brief moment when, as the rain drops started to gather on the camera, I wondered if I might have to turn back. But it was just a shower.
GEAR:
MUSIC:
I forgot my headphones this time, so I mixed out of my iPhone speaker whilst walking around, and then finished the mix off using my car stereo. It was surprisingly effective, although, the bass needed a complete reworking when I could finally hear it back in the car.
FILM:
Summer Shorts 03: Netley, Southampton
This week, I set myself a challenge: find a location, compose a piece of music and create an accompanying short film.
With light and time to spare after Weston Shore, I resumed my journey to Netley Abbey, only to pull in to the car park and find that it was closing. Determined to visit Netley Abbey again soon, I continued eastwards, and found Royal Victoria Country Park.
This place holds a lot of memories: we used to come sailing here as kids. With the sun starting to set, the music I created, the photographs I shot, and the film I made, all took on the locations washed out, nostalgic mood.
Summer Shorts 02: Weston Shore, Southampton
This week, I set myself a challenge: find a location, compose a piece of music and create an accompanying short film.
After last night's sunset trip, I decided to head out earlier today, and in a different direction — east, rather than west — and at just gone 4pm, I drove to Weston Shore. Or rather, more accurately, I was on my way to Netley Abbey when I got sidelined by Weston Shore.
I found myself a spot on the pebbly beach, away from the sunbathers, and started to write a song. The brighter light made me want to work in a major key. I don't often work in a major key — I find happy songs much harder to write than sad ones — but I gave it a shot: the whole point of this week is try new stuff, so it felt like the right thing to do.
Summer Shorts 01: Lepe, Southampton
This week, I set myself a challenge: find a location, compose a piece of music and create an accompanying short film.
Ever since visiting Calshot last week with my good from Emma, I have been mindful of how many beautiful places there are right on my doorstep. The other night, after posting my new EP online (an activity that has the potential to turn me in to an anxiety ridden shell of a human) I decided to put my internet browsing on hold, and take a trip out past Calshot, to Lepe. I took my GoPro with me, and filmed some shots as the full moon appeared, and having explored as far as I could before it got too dark, I swore I'd come back soon.
And so, tonight, I did.
Leaving work at 7pm, I got straight in the car: made the journey past Totton and Beaulieu and arrived in Lepe. The light was beautiful, and there were just enough clouds in the sky to pick out patterns in the setting sun. Making my way along the waterfront in the fading light, I started filming and I started composing.
Gear:
Music:
Auxy is one of favourite music creation apps for iPhone. It's simple, yet powerful. It comes with sounds and effects that sound great right away, but that also allow for the infinite tweaking and adjusting that my production brain needs to be satisfied: I love it.
Film:
I'm absolutely obsessed with this 50mm Nikon lens. Because it's a full frame lens, and my camera is not full frame (a DX model), it acts more like a 75mm lens, and I love it. Also, you have to manually focus it too, which leads to a bunch of extra work and a lot of mistakes, I can't get enough of the unexpected moments that are created because of those two things.
